


Snow is cold

by LonelyAngel



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Depression, Emotional, F/M, Reader-Insert, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-03 15:39:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 12,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8719360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyAngel/pseuds/LonelyAngel
Summary: It's cold, you're lonely, snow is falling and Josh is talking to you





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,  
> this is my first fanfic so I hope you'll like it! The song Oh, Ms Believer inspired me and because it's near Christmas, I decided to write my first fanfic about it. English isn't my native language, sorry if there are any mistakes. I just wanted as many people to understand it as possible. I can also upload it in german if you want that (Hi! to the german skeletøn clique).  
> If you want and if I get positive response, I'll keep on writing!  
> This is all my imagination and I don't want to disrespect anybody.  
> Enjoy!

You sat on a park bench. It was dark and the snow fell slowly. It was so cold, but you didn't move. You just sat there and stared at the wet asphalt street (asphalt, not cement!).

You thought about sitting here forever, on this bench in this dark and cold park and die slowly. Would freezing to death take a long time? Or would you just fall asleep and never wake up?

You didn't know. But you knew one thing: That you didn't want to get up and move on. Your fingers felt numb, so your feet. It was so cold, that you saw your breath like smoke in the air. The wound on your face hurted. You felt some blood running over your face. There you got hit. Hit by the person, who promised to hurt you never. You touched your face with your cold fingers. The bruised part hurted so much, that you almost fainted.

You tried to think about how to move on, you tried really hard. But you couldn't. Every muscle in your body hurted so much, you weren't able to move anymore. You closed your eyes and tried to fall asleep, just to stop your heart hurting like it was set on fire. You thought about your exboyfriend, the person you have loved. The person who has been your life. The person who has cheated on you. The person who hit you when you dumped him. The person who told you: "I don't care if you die! Go and kill yourself, it's better for you and better for the rest of the world!" And then walked away. The person you trusted the most, is gone. Forever.

The tears started running over your face. Your view became blurred. You felt so sad and tired, you just wanted to die.

In this moment, you heard footsteps. There was a man, walking through the park. The man was wearing a pulled up hood, so you were not able to see his face. You wiped the tears away. Suddenly, you imagined you ex coming back and hitting you so hard you'd die. Your hands started shaking, you gasped for breath, but you had the feeling, that your lungs were squeezed by a giant hand. You stood up. The man came closer. You turned around and started to run away, but you slipped on the wet snow and fell. Your hands got ripped by the asphalt and started bleeding. Then, you felt a hand on your shoulder. Full of fear, you turned around. It was the man you tried to flee from. "This ist the end." you thought. But then you looked in some warm brown eyes.

"Are you alright?" The man's voice was gently and a bit worried. You nodded. "Yes I'm fine." The man helped you up. He saw your face and froze. "What… what is this? What happened there?" You swallowed, then you waved aside. "This is… it's nothing. I'm okay."

The man looked sceptical at you, but he didn't say something. You tried to smile. "It looks worse than it feels. Don't worry."

The man shook his head in disbelief. "Anyways, my name is Josh." he said. You shook his hand. "Hi Josh, nice too meet you." Josh smiled and put his arm on your shoulder. "You look like someone who needs something warm to drink. Let's go and get some coffee and stuff."

You agreed and you both left the park. The snow fell faster than before and you got closer to Josh's warm body. He held your cold hands in his warm ones and you felt something you've never felt so strong before: hope.

 


	2. Chapter 2

You entered a diner which was open 24/7. Josh and you sat down. The diner was very small, only a few tables with some red plastic chairs. Josh ordered two coffees. The waitress looked distrusful at you, but she didn't say a word about your face.

"Well… uhm…"

You startled, when Josh started to speak. You realized that you had been staring at him the whole time. He said something but you didn't understand a word, because your ears were filled with a loud swoosh. You felt like getting an anxiety attack.

You stood up and ran to the restroom. Your heart was beating fast, way to fast. You looked into the mirror. What was happening? You didn't know. You were confused. You hands were shaking when you washed the blood off your face. The water was cold, but your hands were burning when they started feeling less numb.

You took a deep breath. _You can do this!_ you said to yourself. _He's not like my ex. He's nice. He won't hurt me. He just wants to help me._

When you went back to your table, you tried to hide your shaking hands. Josh was watching you, when you sat down. He looked confused.

"What… what happened? Is everything okay?"

You nearly sighed relievly. You understood everything he said. You nodded.

"Everything's fine." You drank some coffee. It was too sweet, but at least it was warm and you had something to hold on. You both sat in silence for a few minutes. In the background you heard some Christmas music. You recognized the song. It was _Jingle Bells_ , but a different version, maybe played on a piano?

Josh cleared his throat. "So… You don't want to talk about it, do you?" You shook your head, then hesitated. Wouldn't it be better to talk to someone? Suddenly, you started to tell everything. Josh listened patiently, without interrupting you. When you stopped, he took a deep breath. "Wow. I can totally understand why that's getting you down. Your ex… he's just not worth it. But why did he beat you?"

You looked down on the table, then back up to Josh. "Well, I chucked him. I said, I didn't want to see him again. He thinks a great deal of himself. He wants to have control about everyting. But it's over now."

"So you don't want to go to the police?"

You thought about that. "No… I don't think it's necessary. This was the first time it happened, so I don't think it will happen again."

Josh bit on his lips, then he nodded. "Okay, that is your decision. But be careful."

You smiled a bit. "I will. And thanks for listening, I feel much better now."

Josh stood up. "No problem. But… here's my cell number, you can call me if you want talk."

"Thank you!"

You stepped outside the diner. The snow started falling again. Josh pulled his hood up.

"Okay… so., uhm… shall I accompany you?" You shook your head. "Thanks, but I live nearby, it's just a few meters by foot."

"Oh, well, then, good night."

"Good night!"

You watched Josh walking away. After a few seconds, you couldn't see him anymore, because of the snowflakes, but you had the feeling, that he was still with you and telling you, that everything would get better. You turned around and walked back home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know this chapter is short,but I've been very busy with school...

 You lay on your bed, when your phone beeped. You stood up and picked it up from your desk.

You've received one new message: 

**_Hey… It's me, Josh, how r u?_ **

You started smiling when you read the message. You typed back.

_Thanks, I'm fine and you?_

**_Oh, I'm perfect! So, you got home well?_ **

_Yes… I just woke up_

**_I'm sry, i didn't want to wake you :/_ **

_Oh my god, that's okay, I wanted to get up anyway_

You went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. Your face was blue-green on one side and you looked really tired, but your eyes shone. You rejected the thought that it was because of Josh's message.

Your phone beeped again.

**_Wanna hang out? This afternoon?_ **

You stared on the display. Was he asking for an appointment?! Your hands were shaky, when you wrote your response.

_Sure!_

**_3pm? Maybe in the park we met yesterday?_ **

_Alright, I'll be there!_

**_See you then!_ **

You put your phone aside. You didn't feel tired any longer. You'd meet him again! Was it even an appointment or was it kind of a date?

No. Maybe Josh just wanted to know that you felt better. But he already asked that… You didn't know, but you knew that you felt definitely better than yesterday. And you'll feel even better this afternoon…


	4. Chapter 4

You had a look at the clock. You had only fourty minutes left, before you'd see Josh again. And you were excited as hell.

You took a shower and tried to primp your hair, but it looked so awful and messed, so you just resigned. You remembered, intuitivly a long time ago, you were in the same situation, but it has been another one who made you feel this excitement. You got dizzy and you sat down on a chair. The same thing again. Getting dressed, looking good, meeting a boy you liked… and then? Weeks of joy, of flirting, of happiness. But it went worse, till yesterdayevening. You thought about this time. Was it to soon to meet someone else? You didn't even know Josh! But he was so friendly and nice and cute and… Enough! You could meet whoever you wanted! There was nothing restraining you back. You stood up and paralyzed. It was 2.49 pm. Shit! You had only 11 minutes left and it was a ten minute walk to the park. You tore your closet open and slipped on the first T-shirt you layed hold of. And some black skinny jeans and sneakers, that must be enough. You closed the front door behind you and started to run.

You gasped for breath when you arrived at the park and you got stitches. You had a look around and saw Josh sitting on a park bench. He stood up when he saw you. You sweated, so you opened your jacket and noticed, that you were wearing your old and washed-out Metallica T-shirt. Damn, why especially this one? But it was too late to close your jacket again, because Josh reached you in this moment.

"Hi. Cool shirt."

You blushed. Was that sarcasm or not?

"Uh… I was… I was late and this was the first thing I laid my hands on."

Josh smiled. "I love Metallica. And you?"

"Oh, well, I like some of their songs. The T-shirt was a present from a friend. He loved Metallica."

"Your friend has a good taste in music." Josh grinned. You smiled back. Josh ruffled his hair. "What do you wanna do? Go for a walk?"

You nodded. "Yeah, let's go for a walk."

Alongside, you started walking through the park. After a few steps, you started talking.

"So… you like Metallica?"

"Yes. Do you know the song 'Don't tread on me'? This song is so good!"

You shook your head. "Unfortunatly not."

Josh started humming, but ended after a few pulses. "Ahh man, you can't sing metal. I'll show you one day."

You smirked. "Alright. I look forward to it. What else do you like?"

"You mean, besides music?"

"Yes… what are you hobbys? Your interests?"

"Well, I love playing the drums. I play in a band. My bandmate Tyler, he sings and he plays the piano and the ukulele. And he writes the lyrics to our songs. He so funny, he makes me laugh all the time."

"So… you like him?"

"He's my best friend. He's the best friend you can have. I'm so glad we met each other. He makes me complete, you know? And he has a wife, Jenna, and she's very nice. She's the only one who can persude him to eat something else than Taco Bell or Chipotle. But, enough about me, tell me something about you."

You talked over an hour, but the time flew. You both stopped at the park entrance and looked at each other awkwardly. You cleared you throat.

"Well, then… thanks for the walk, it was, uh…nice?"

Josh smiled. "Yes, uh, thank you too… I hope we can do that again?"

"Sure!"

You opened the pocket of your jacket to get your keys out. But the pocket was empty.

"Oh no, s…! I forgot my keys!"

Josh gurned. "Do you have a spare key?"

"Yes, but… I gave it to my friend. She lives nearby. It's only a few minutes by car."

"Alright, you can call her, can't you?"

"Uh, no… my mobile is at home. Behind the locked door." You sighed.

"No problem." Josh waved aside. "You can come with me and use my phone at home."

"Thank you, you're my savior!"

He laughed. "C'mon, let's go, you 'damsel in distress'! We'll take my car, it's parked outside the park."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think about it so far?

Josh opened the door to his apartement. He must have let the heating on, because it was pleasent warm inside. Josh pointed to the coak hook.

"You can put your jacket here."

You took your jacket and your shoes off. Then you followed Josh in his living room. It was surprisingly big and looked very cozy. It had big windows and you could see that Josh noticed your astonishment.

"Uh, I know, but you should see my bedroom. It's so tiny… Luckily I cleaned up yesterday. C'mon over here, here's my phone."

You took it and dialed the number of your friend. While you called, Josh made some coffee. You hung up.

"Does she have the key?"

"Well, yes, but she's not at home. She's at her boyfriend's house and she won't come back until tomorrow…"

"Oh man,…We can drive there, if you want?"

You grimaced.

"That's nice, but it's an three hour drive. We can't do that."

Josh thought about that. "Yeah, you're right. Does anyone else has a key?"

"Unfortunatly not."

You bit on your lips. "Uh… Do you… do you mind if I'd stay here over? I just… I just don't know where to stay…" you stuttered.

"Oh, oh… no, that's no problem, you can stay here… you can sleep on the couch, I'll get you a blanket."

He left the room. You stood in the middle oft he living room and felt very uncomfortable, waiting here for Josh to come back. Finally, he appeared at the door, a white blanket in his hands. "Here, I hope this is enough. I'll look if I can find a new toothbrush for you."

"I'm so sorry, I don't want to make you any circumstances…"

He looked at you astonished.

"Oh no, you don't. Not at all. I'm sorry if it seemed like I'd mind. You're very welcome."

You were relieved. "Thanks, man."

"No problem."

You followed Josh to the bathroom. He knelt down in front of the closet and started to clear it out. After he packed closely perfume, towels and some hair color packets in every color on the floor, he finally found a new toothbrush. While Josh stored the things back in the closet, you picked up one of the _splat dream ombré_ hair color packets. On the packet was a woman and a man, both with bright pink hair.

"Do you dye your hair by yourself?"

Josh shrugged. "Yes, why not? It's easy and cheap. I usually don't want to go to a hairdresser." You handed the packet back to Josh. He stood up.

"Alright, do you need something else? I can get you one of my jogging pants, it's more comfortable to sleep with."

You tried one on. It fitted perfect, because he and you had almost the same size.

"So, do you want to eat something?" Josh turned around without waiting for your response and walked into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and several cupboards.

"Oh man, I'm sorry I need to buy some food tomorrow… I'll order pizza okay?"

You nodded.

The pizza service was fast. Less than twenty minutes and you both sat at the table, eating in silence. After you finished eating, you went back to the living room.

Josh sat down on the couch.

"Let's see what's on TV."

Immediatly you had a catchy tune going round in your head. _We don't believe what's on TV, because it's what we want to see and what we want, we know we can't believe, we have all learned to kill our dreams…_

You shook your head and sat down next to him.

"Oh look, it's Titanic. I've never seen Titanic."

"Really?" you asked surprised.

"Yes… no that's not true, I've seen the nude scene. Well, why don't we watch it now?"

You agreed and you were very comfortable. Josh put his arm on your shoulders, while you tried not to cry when the ship started sinking. At the end you felt very tired, so you both went to sleep, Josh in his room and you on the couch.


	6. Chapter 6

You woke up, because your heart was racing. It was late at night, the only light was from the street light outside the window. Your Tshirt was sweaty and you were shivering. You pushed the blanket aside and drafted. You looked around and tried to concentrate, but your view was blurry. You paniced when you realized that you weren't able to see clear. _Come on, take a deep breath and calm down._ But you couldn't. Saucer-eyed you tried to see something, _anything,_ but there was just darkness. You felt like falling, but not being able to stop. You started hyperventilating.

You'd choke. You'd die. You knew it.

You clawed the blanket, trying not to scream. You gasped for breath, then you felt tears streaming over your face and you couldn't stop crying. You didn't know how long you were crying and trying to catch you breath. You sat there, petrified, remembering all the bad things in your life, being sure that it would never get better, that you'd never be happy again. _Think poitive. Remember the good things in your life, when you were happy. Try to remember._ But you mind was blank.

You felt so alone. _What's even the point? Why should I live on, I don't know what's my purpose. No one would care, if I would just… disappear. Nobody would notice._

You sat there for hours, without moving, to afraid of breaking in pieces if you'd move.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've worked on some kind of connection between the last chapter and this one, but after some shitty drafts, I decided to skip it.

A couple weeks later.         

Josh and you had some other dates (yes, you were sure, real dates) and now he wanted to introduce you to his best friend and bandmate Tyler. Josh has talked very often about him, so you really wanted to meet him, since you noticed how important he was to Josh.

Tyler and Jenna, his wife, had invited you both for dinner.

You didn't tell Josh about the anxiety attack you had, although you knew you should had. You just didn't want to seem weak and you didn't want him to worry about you.

It was already dark when you both arrived at Tyler's house. You rang the doorbell. A blonde woman opened the door. She had wonderful blue eyes.

"Welcome, come on in."

You entered the hallway, when a young man appeared behind Jenna. He had brown hair and was a bit taller than her. You noticed several tattoos on his arms. He smiled.

"Well, I'm Jenna and this…", she looked at the him. "…is my husband Tyler. What's your name?"

You introduced youself. You all went into the kitchen and sat down at the table. Jenna served the food and you started eating.

You felt very comfortable, because Josh and Tyler were making jokes all the time.

Jenna interrupted them. "Hey, why don't you tell the story of how you met?" She looked at you. "It's a hilarious story, you know?"

Tyler smiled whimsically.

"Well, Josh and both worked at a store that made chairs and I just wasn't very good at it. He was the guy at the chairshop that was making such good chairs. I looked up to him a lot."

Josh started laughing. "Oh, I see, the chairshop story again."

Tyler grinned and continued.

"When I couldn't get the chairs to work I used the sticks of the chairs as drumsticks. Josh heard me doing that and then he told me 'You know I'm a drummer' and I was like 'No way! Let's screw this whole chair idea and let's start a band!'"

You looked at them skeptical.

"This isn't true, is it?"

"No, it's not true. We make up a different story every time we talk about it." Josh answered, still laughing.

The conversation went on, till you stood up.

"Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom."

Tyler stood up, too. "Come on, I'll show you where it is."

You followed him into the hallway. He pointed at a door. "Here it is."

You thanked him and closed the door. When you left the bathroom, you noticed that he still stood in the hallway. He cleared his throat.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

You looked at him astonished. "Yes, sure."

You heard Jenna and Josh laughing in the living room. Tyler looked over his shoulder. "Follow me."

You followed Tyler into a small room, it was kind of a pantry. He switched the light on and closed the door. Then he looked at you, hesitated for a second and then started to talk.

"Uh… it's about Josh. You really love him, don't you?"

You nodded. "Yes, I do. I can't imagine a life without him."

Tyler bit on his lower lip. "It's just…uh…I hope you won't hurt him."

"I…I don't get it. What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm sure he loves you, but he's my best friend, I just want him to be happy. It's really hard for him to forget somebody he has loved."

"Wait, you think, that I'll leave him?!"

Tyler shook his head. "No! I just want you to be careful, okay? Just…don't break his heart. That would destroy him. I just don't want him to get hurt."

"And neither do I." you answered softly. "Don't worry, I'll do only the best for him. I promise."

"Okay. Thank you." Tyler opened the door and turned off the light. "Let's go back to the others."

Josh looked up, when you entered the room and he smiled. Your heart melted and you smiled back. He mouthed _I love you._ You beamed with joy. You went back to him and sat down on his lap. He rested his hands around your waist and you leaned back. You closed your eyes and listened to the others talking. In this moment, you were happy. You just couldn't imagine something bad happening. You just felt so safe and secure.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm too late with Tyler's birthday, BUT I'll write about it anyway. 
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter is crap.

You answered the call you got. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's me, Jenna. You know, Tyler's birthday is soon and I need a nice dress, but my friends don't have time to go shopping with me. Do you mind to accompany me?"

"Oh no, I don't mind. I need some new clothes anyway. When do you want to go?"

"Actually, I hoped you'd have time today. Tyler's birthday is on the 1st of December, so I have only a few days left."

"Okay." Jenna suggested to meet at the mall.

"Yes, would 3pm okay?"

"Yes, that's perfect. See you later, bye!"

"Bye!"

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

Jenna was already waiting when you arrived at the mall. She smiled when you reached her. "Hi. Where do you want to go?"

"Uh… I don't know, I just moved to Columbus, so I don't know the good shops."

"Okay, that's no problem, let's go in there." She pointed at a shop. You followed her in. She tried some dresses on and asked you for your opinion. In the end, she decided to buy a bright blue dress.

"I think I'll stick to that. What are you going to wear?"

"Uh…I don't know, I mean, I'm not invited…"

She turned. "Wait, what?! I told Josh to ask you to come. He didn't ask you?"

"Well, no…not yet."

"Damn it. Of course you're invited! I'll have to talk to Josh." She shook her head. "Do you have time to come?"

"I think so. Thank you for the invitation, I really appreaciate it."

She smiled. "Alright. And now you need something to wear."

She walked through the shop and pointed at different clothes. "What do you think about that? Or wait, look, this is beautiful."

You shrugged uneasy. "I think I'd like to wear my regular clothes…"

She looked at you. "No. At least you can't wear black. It's a birthday, not a funeral."

After some discussion, you agreed to buy a green Tshirt, but you insisted on wearing black jeans. Jenna sighed, but she kept silent.

After you both had bought everything you needed, you left the mall. Jenna carried many bags. "Tyler will kill me if he sees how much money I spent." She laughed.

You grinned. "Maybe, but I think he won't if he sees you in this beautiful dress."

Jenna shrugged and smiled. "We'll see. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For everything. For going shopping with me and…for making Josh happy."

You didn't know what to say.

"Anyway, see you on Tyler's birthday party. And don't forget to wear the green shirt."

She turned and waved goodbye. You watched her walking away and thought about Jenna's words. You shook your head. She was wrong. You didn't deserve any thanks.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally. It's getting towards the end. Only a few chapters left.

Josh finally asked you to come to Tyler's birthday. You nodded, smiling. Jenna has talked to him and he apologized. He didn't mean to seem unfriendly, he just forgot. He had been alone since he and Debby broke up, so he wasn't used to it.

When you arrived at Tyler's and Jenna's house again, you could hear laughing and music from the inside. Tyler opened the door and received you, Jenna at his side. She wore the blue dress she had bought and she looked wonderful.

The hallway was filled with people, it was very crowded. "We should go to the living room." Josh said. He started to squeeze his way through the people and you followed him. Josh spotted somebody in the edge of the room and walked through the room. He stopped in front of a man in his age. "This is Mark, he's our creative director." You shook his hand. Josh greeted many other people. After you got to know some other people, you decided to get something to drink. After a quick search you found the kitchen and filled a glass with Coke. "You should try the wine cooler. I made it myself." You turned and saw Jenna standing at the fridge, getting some ice cubes for the drinks. You smiled and shook your head. "Thank you, but I'll stick to Coke today. I get drunk way too fast."

Jenna shrugged. "Okay, your choice. I'm glad you don't wear all black today." You looked down on your green shirt and you grinned. "You asked me to."

"It looks good."

"Thank you."

There was a moment of awkward silence. You sipped at your coke and Jenna filled some ice cubes in her glass.

"Maybe, you should go back to the others. I guess Josh is already looking for you." Then she smiled.

You nodded. "You're probably right."

Jenna nodded also and left the kitchen. You stood there and stared at the floor. You didn't want to go back to all these people talking to you, standing uncomfortably in the living room, nodding and smiling and pretending like you were okay. You hated partys. _It's only this evening. Relax and have fun, Jenna is right, it's a birthday, not a funeral!_ you said to yourself. You sighed and emptied the glass in one gulp. Some people entered the kitchen, laughing and chatting. You left the kitchen, you couldn't handle all this happiness.

The living room was even more crowded than before and the doorbell was still ringing. You spotted Josh next to Tyler and the guy from earlier, Mark, they were laughing. They seemed like they'd have lots of fun. Josh noticed you, standing in the door case and beckoned you. You smiled halfheartedly, but you didn't walk to him. Josh looked irritated at you, but after a few seconds, he went back to the conversation. You watched him talking for a few minutes, without moving. Suddenly, you and Tyler made eye contact. He looked at you and you stared back and everything froze. You heard this words in your head.

_I hope you won't hurt him. Don't break his heart. That would destroy him._

You swallowed. Suddenly, it was too hot in the room, too many people, to many voices. You turned and left the room. You didn't care bumping into several people before reaching the front door. You burst into the out-of-doors, tripping over the stairs, reaching the street and you started running.

_Don't break his heart. Don't break his heart._

_That would destroy him. YOU would destroy him._

You ran and ran, knowing that it wasn't possible to flee all the time and that you weren't able to escape these words, but you couldn't stop.

_He's right. I'm not good. I'll destroy everything. I'm a mess. I'm broken. I'm not worth being loved. Shit._

You gritted your teeth, but you couldn't hold the tears back.

_I'm worthless. I'm worthless._


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, two chapters today

You had three missed calls when you arrived at home. Two calls from Josh and one from Jenna. You stared at your phone, trying to decide whether to call back or not.

You sighed and deleted the call from Jenna, but you didn't feel any better after it. You decided to call Josh back, he must be worried. You nearly pressed the call-back button, but you hesitated. You couldn't talk to him right now. If you'd hear his voice, you'd immediatly start to cry. You wrote a message.

_Hey Josh, it's me…_

_Re: WHERE ARE U?_

_I'm at home_

_Re: what the…y?_

_I felt sick._

Oh dear, you were a liar and a coward. Too afraid to tell the truth.

_Re: I'm sorry 'bout that, but at least u could've told me that u were leaving. Did u call yourself a taxicab?_

_I walked home_

_Re: U felt sick, but u walked home? Seriously?_

_I needed fresh air_

_Re: Sure._

_Re: Re: I'm not stupid. I get it, u didn't want to go to the party. Just tell me next time._

_I wanted to go to the party! I just felt sick, okay?_

_Re: You can't be serious! But, okay, I'll take it this way. I'll tell Jenna, that u are @ home. She was worried. I was worried._

_I'm sorry._

You didn't got a response.


	11. Chapter 11

"Hey." Josh smiled at you, standing a few meters away on the green field.

"Are you still angry? I know, I shouldn't have left the way I did."

Josh sighed and shook his head.

"No, I'm not. Not anymore. I love you too much. Come over here, I want to kiss you, darling."

You looked at the sky. It was bright blue and there was no cloud in sight. The grass under your feet was a bit wet and you took careful a few steps in Josh's direction. You felt the wind in your face. The trees behind Josh began waving, but he stood there, without moving, still a smile on his face.

The wind increased, it was more like a storm. The sky got dark. You still walked to Josh, but it was so difficult, your feet were so heavy, it felt like you were stuck on the ground. You heard thunder, it got darker and darker. The grass was so wet, you nearly slipped.

"Come on, come to me." You heard Josh's soft voice, encouraging you to move on.

Finally, you reached him. You tried to take his hand, but when you looked in his face, you stopped. He looked horrified, his brown eyes filled with fear. You turned, expecting to see something terrible, but there was nothing. Just the field, the wind and the trees. You turned back to Josh.

"Josh…what is happening?"

He was petrified. You started to panic.

"Josh, tell me, what is happening? What horrifies you like this? Tell me!"

His voice was shaky. "You."

You swallowed. "W…what?"

"You."

You took a few steps forward. "Josh, I don't know…I-I don't want to…Why are you afraid of me?"

"Fuck off."

"What?! What do you mean?"

"I said: Fuck OFF!" He yelled, his voice was deep and sounded so different than the gently Josh you knew. "You're a fucking liar. You don't love me. You never did. You'll destroy me and everybody around you. You're a monster!"

You swallowed. "That's not true! I love you and you know that." You took his hand.

"Lies!" He withdrew his hand. "Don't touch me!"

You started crying. "I love you! I love you!"

Josh shook his head. "No, you don't."

You took a step forward. The thunder got louder and the storm got worse. Suddenly the ground started quaking. Behind Josh, the field turned into an deep abyss.

"Josh, watch out!"

His gaze was deathly. "Go away! Leave me alone! I hate you! I HATE YOU!"

He took a step backwards. You jumped to catch him, but his hand slipped from your hands. For a second, it seemed like you'd reach his hand again, but everything happened too fast. Stunned, you stared into the abyss.

"No! Nooo!"

 

You woke up, your heart racing, gasping for breath. A nightmare, only a nightmare. Everything was okay. But that was a lie. Nothing was okay. You broke down in your bed, crying. You still heard Josh's voice, full of hate.

_"You're a liar. You'll destroy me. I hate you!"_

"I love you. I love you!" you whispered, but he couldn't hear you.

 


	12. Chapter 12

You felt absolutely terrible the day after the party. You had a headache and you were tired, because you couldn't fall asleep again after the nightmare. You heart still beat hard against your ribs when you thought about it. You told yourself a thousends times, that it was just a nightmare, nothing to think about, but it scared you just too much to forget it.

It was 9 am when you resigned and stood up. When you looked at the calender at the wall, you sighed loudly. It was your last free day, you'd have to go to work tomorrow. You didn't feel relaxed at all, you wished your holiday would be longer. Damn.

You walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of apple juice and a bottle of milk. In a drawer you found some cereal and a bowl. You sat down at the table and started eating. The cereal tasted bad, you couldn't remember how long it had been in the drawer. When you looked around in your small apartement, you realized how dirty it was. You'd have to clean up. Everything was better than thinking about the nightmare.

You stood up and started cleaning up the kitchen. You loaded the dishwasher with the dirty plates and glasses and cleaned the table. Then you collected all the dirty clothes from the floor and washed them. After two hours, your apartement was clean enough to welcome visitors. If you had any friends who'd want to visit you.

And you started to think again. You agonized what the nightmare meant. Was it a warning? Or just a stupid dream? The best thing was to forget it and to call Josh and apologize. But you were careful. You'd need some time to think about everything.

You grabbed your phone and dialed his number. He answered the call immediatly.

"Hey. Do you feel better?"

"Hi. Yes, I feel better, I just wanted to apologize. I didn't want to argue. I just…I just paniced. All these people and the loud music and…"

"It's okay. You don't need to apologize. Just tell me next time, okay?"

"I promise. But, there's something else I want to talk about."

"Sure. Hit me."

"I think I need some time to think about…everything. About us, about the things that happened, the future…ya know?"

You heard Josh inhaling slowly.

"You want to say that you need some personal space? Some time for yourself?"

"Uh…yes…kind of…" you hemmed and haw.

"Okay…But it's just for a few days, right?"

"Yes! I just need some time, but I'll call you in a few days, okay?"

"Well, I can't say no, so, alright, call me whenever you're sure about everything."

You sighed in relief. "Thank you. I think I won't need more than a few days. And, Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be longer, I promise  
> This is just a fill up chapter

Three days later. You had thought all days long about your situation and your relationship to Josh. You knew you'd hurt him, however you'd decide. You had two possibilties: Either you both would keep your relationship, you'd still have anxiety and panic attacks and Josh would worry about you or you'd break up. The latter would Josh hurt as well, but it was better than keep on pretending like everything was perfect and you were fine. Because you weren't and you knew that nothing could fix you. Not even Josh. He was awesome, better than you deserved, but he didn't have the ability to heal your broken soul. It was false to pin your hopes on him. You didn't want to ruin everything.

You couldn't deceive yourself that any longer. You were on the brink and you didn't want to pull him down with yourself. It was clear: One unexpected situation and you'd freak out. This happened before. It has been terrible for you, but especially for everybody around you. You were like a powder keg, ready to explode.

You took a deep breath. You were sure, the best thing was to break up with Josh. _It is the right thing to do. It has to be._


	14. Chapter 14

Days were gone and you didn't have the courage to tell Josh your decision. When you both were together it just felt…right. You watched him, when he talked about the band, you saw how he squinted his eyes when he laughed, his puppy-like gaze when he kissed you and twinkled you although you groaned you were tired. You'd miss him. Really really bad.

Today, Josh and you were watching movies at his house. You watched Fight Club, Josh's favourite movie. He noticed that you have been silent during the whole movie. He followed you in the kitchen when you get yourself something to drink.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly.

"Yes, everything's alright." You didn't want to talk, you just wanted to enjoy the time you had left.

"Don't lie to me."

You turned abrupt. "Wait, what? What are you talking about?"

Josh sighed. "Who is it?"

"I…I don't know what do you mean." You answered irritated.

"Don't lie to me, please. Who is it?"

He looked sad, his brown eyes were dark. You just stared at him, confused.

"You cheated me, didn't you?" His voice was shaky.

What? You didn't know what to answer. Your mind was racing. So he thought you'd have cheated him? He thought you'd have met someone else? You opened your mouth to answer, but hesitated. Wasn't that the thing you wanted? A reason to leave him? And now you had the perfect submittal.

It was the right thing to do. You took a deep breath.

"Yes, I did. I cheated you. I'm sorry."

His eyes widened. You saw Josh's heart breaking. He looked at you in shock. You realized that he had hoped you'd say something else. He had hoped he was wrong.

You hid your shivering hands behind your back and tried to hold back the tears.

"I'm sorry, but this… this thing between us…I just, I can't do it any longer. It's over. I'm sorry."

"No." His voice was hoarse. "Please, don't do that to me. I forgive you, I forgive you everything, I don't care who it was but don't do this! I need you! Please, don't!"

You stared at the floor and shook your head, your eyes filled with tears.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but I can't. I…I don't love you anymore, Josh. I met someone else. Forgive me."

You turned around and rushed through the door. You started running when you reached the street, and you didn't hold the tears back any longer. You ran until you couldn't see anymore because of the tears, then you stopped and startet sobbing. You felt weak. You broke his heart in cold blood. You slowly walked home, still crying. At home you went to bed, but you couldn't sleep because you were hysterical crying the whole time. You couldn't stop thinking about Josh. You loved him! He was your life! But you knew, your decision was the best, for everybody. You said it as your mantra.

_He's better off without me. I've done the right thing. He'll get over it soon._

But your heart said something else. _How could you do that? He loves you, and you love him! Go back and resolve it!_

But you stayed in your bed and ignored the voice as good as you could.

_Don't think about it. Don't._

 


	15. Chapter 15

You went to work and lived your life normally, preteding like everything was fine. You rejected every thought about Josh. When you started thinking about your breakup and that you regretted it, you turned the music on and concentrated on other things. You met your parents and went out with some "friends", but you weren't happy.

At work, your collegues asked you if you had any problems at home, because you had dark circles under your eyes. A consequence of your lack of sleep. It was a routine. You just couldn't fall asleep. When you lay in your bed, you were awake and stared at the dark ceiling. After a couple hours you stood up and cleaned your room or you went out for a walk, although it was 3am. One night, you rearranged all your furniture. After you shifted the couch in another edge and your coffee table in the other direction, you stopped, breathing heavily. You looked at the chaos on the floor. This wasn't normal. You were going insane. You sat down on the couch and cried. After a few minutes, you fell asleep, but your sleep was fitful. You dreamed horrible things and you woke up after one hour, totally tensed up. Everything was darker, the days were blurry, you couldn't remember the details, everyday was the same. And you smiled and lied and were happy on the outside.

But you felt numb. Your whole body felt heavy, you were exhausted. When you came home, nobody was there to talk to you. Your room was empty, nobody kissed you and made you laugh. A part of you stayed in the past and you weren't able to specify what it was. You were broken and one wrong thought would tear you apart.

You couldn't delete Josh's number and sometimes you noticed that you had stared at your phone for minutes. These moments were scary. It was like a drug. You knew it would help you to hear his voice but you didn't want to get to know the aftereffects. But it was just to easy. One call and…

You lost weight, because you weren't hungry. You always felt sick after eating something, so you just stopped eating. Without eating, you had less energy and that made you tired, but you couldn't sleep, so you stayed up thinking about things you didn't want to think about and that made you feel sick, so you couldn't eat. It was a vicious circle and you didn't know how to escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dreamt? Is that right? Dreamed? Drimed. I think it's drimed.
> 
> Lol, sorry i had to.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I haven't updated for a few days, but I had so many exams this week and I have to finish a school project until tomorrow, I hope I have more time next week.

Weekend. You'd prefer to go to work, so you'd be busy. Weekend meant much time, meant too much time to think about your loneliness.

You woke up early. Of course you had slept bad. You stood up and got dressed. After the breakfast, you sat at the table and buried your head in your hands. You didn't know what to do with your free time. Your apartement was clean, it was to cold to go for a walk and you didn't want to call your friends and hang out with them. You felt lonely, you needed some company, but you didn't want to have to talk the whole time.

Maybe you could go to the mall. Many people would be there, but nobody would talk to you. You stood up and grabbed your keys and your wallet. It was freezing inside the car, your hands were cold. You reached the mall and parked your car.

You saw a few snowflakes when you walked to the entrance of the mall, your hands in the pockets of your jacket. The mall was decoratet with christmas stuff, fake presents and fake snow everywhere. A huge plastic christmas tree was full of blinking fairy lights in every colour.

You went in different shops and bought some presents for your family, but you didn't feel an excitement for christmas. You'd either celebrate with your parents or alone. After two hours, you had found a present for every family member.

You entered another shop and picked some super ugly snow globes up. You shook one of them, a snow globe with a grinning snowman inside it, and watched the fake snow falling down on the ground of the globe. You smiled and put the globe back to the others.

"Hey."

You looked up and stared in Jenna's blue eyes. She seemed not very happy to see you. You startled and took a step backwards. Your jacket got stuck at the table with the snow globes and you slipped. You fell and knocked the table over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the cliffhanger, I'll update as soon as I can


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, my mom has her friends invited to come over and I'm hiding in my room, writing fanfiction and eating cookies.  
> But I finally know what to do with this fic, it'll get down before it gets up up up (to the ceiling).  
> And I know my chapters are very short, I'll try to work on that.

"Are you okay?" Jenna helped you up. An employee rushed over.

"Is everything alright?"

You nodded. "I hope I haven't broken the snow globes." You knelt down and started to pick them up. Jenna helped you. Luckily, the globes were made of plastic, so you didn't broke a single one. The employee looked sceptical at them and nodded.

"You were lucky. The merchandise is undamaged."

You mumbled "I'm sorry" and turned to leave the shop. Before you reached the exit, Jenna grabbed your arm and drag you along. You followed her out of the shop into a cafe. She ignored you when you protested quietly and directed you to a table in the corner. You both sat down, you avoided eye contact.

Jenna ordered two coffees. You looked down on the table, although you felt Jenna's gaze. The waitress brought the coffees. From the corner of your eye, you saw Jenna smiling at the waitress and thanking her. She waited until the waitress was gone, then she clicked her tongue.

"So…"

You cringed and looked up. Jenna didn't seem unfriendly or angry, more...worried. You bit on your lips and stirred your coffee. Jenna sighed.

"Hey…you don't have to talk if you don't want to. I can talk instead, okay?"

You nodded and took a sip of your coffee. It was too hut and burned your throat.

Jenne hesitated and pondered for a minute.

"You know…it's your life, you can do whatever you want, but…I…" she sighed again.

"I don't know why you broke up with Josh, but he's really down."

"I cheated him."

"Oh." Jenna became silent. "Well…I'm sure he'd forgive you?"

You shook your head. "It's not…I don't want him to forgive me. I don't love him anymore." You teared up and bit on your bottom lip to hold back the tears.

Jenna saw the tears in you eyes. "Is that true?" she asked softly.

You swallowed. You couldn't hold back the tears any longer and you started crying.

"I…it's not…it's not true…I-I love him. I love him so much, I just…" you sobbed.

"What?" Jenna pattered your shoulder gently.

"I don't want to _bother_ him."

Jenna furrowed her brows. "Why would you bother him? He loves you, why should he be bothered by you?"

"Because I'm not worth it."

Jenna burst out laughing but hushed when she realized you were serious.

"What!? You…why do you think you're not worth it?"

"Look at me! I'm a mess! I'm-I'm nothing! I'm not worth his time! He's better off without me. Everybody's better off without me! I'm a waste of life, I should just go and die." Your voice was filled with disgust and you were still sobbing.

Jenna was shocked. "I…who said this?"

"My ex-boyfriend. And his friends. And they're right. I'm scum."

Jenna shook her head. "No! You're not. I don't know why you think that, but everybody who tells you, you'd be worthless, is wrong. You're perfect just like you are. And you're worth every time in the world. You should talk to Josh, he'll agree with me. And I'm sure he'll forgive you, that you cheated him."

"I-I haven't" you mumbled.

"What?"

You blushed. "I haven't cheated him. I lied. I thought it would make him feel better after the breakup. I thought he'd be angry instead of looking down on me."

Jenna took a deep breath. "Wow. That's…wow. You know he'd never, _never,_ look down on you. And he isn't angry. He's extremly sad. You broke his heart. He's not the same since you left him. He looks terrible, I guess he hasn't slept well for weeks. Actually, you look the same."

You shrugged. "I haven't slept for weeks, too."

"Yeah, it's pretty visible. You two need each other, believe me."

You almost started to cry again. "But…what should I do, Jenna?"

She smiled. "Do me a favor. Call him and tell him the truth. Trust me, you'll feel better after it. He loves you. And you love him. And if you ever feel worthless, talk to me and I'll convince you that you're not, okay?"

You smiled back, tears in your eyes. Jenna stood up and hugged you. She held you tight and you felt a little less worthless.

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooops.   
> Chapter 9: This story will end soon  
> Chapter 18: …

Ding! You stood up with a sigh. It was so comfortable on the couch. You scanned the room for your phone. Nothing. You walked through the kitchen. You saw it laying behind the drity dishes. You couldn't remember when you put it there. You unlocked the screen. One unread message.

 

_Hey, it's jenna. have u called josh?_

 

You sighed. No, you haven't.

 

No, I cant do this

_Yes you can!! Just call him_

I'm afraid he's angry

_maybe. just do it._

I can't jenna

_You. Will. Call. Him. Now._

You sat down on the floor and stared at the wall. You couldn't to this. You were a coward. Maybe it was better to visit him? So you couldn't just hang up, if you were too afraid.

 

could I visit him?

_Sure! Go for it!_

Okay…I'll visit him tomorrow

_Not tomorrow. Now. You'll feel better after it :)_

 

You swallowed and stood up. Jenna was right. You grabbed the keys and left, before you could think about an excuse. It was freezing outside. The puddles were frozen and you walked carefully. After a ten minute walk, you stood in front of Josh's home. You entered the staircase. With every foot you came closer to Josh's door, you felt the fear growing in your chest. Finally, you stood in front of his door, but you hesitated. It took a few minutes, before you brought yourself to ring the doorbell. You waited. Nothing happend. You turned aound to leave, disappointed and happy at the same time, when the door opened. Josh was standing in the door case, his hairs wet. His shirt sticked to him. He opened his mouth to say something and closed it when he failed.

"Uhh, hi." You said nervously.

He cleared his throat. "Hi."

"I, uhm, I wanted to…may I come in?"

He kept silence for a few seconds, then nodded. "Sure."

You felt very uncomfortable when you entered his apartement. Josh didn't seem very happy to see you, he seemed annoyed and distant. You followed him into the living room. He stopped and leaned against the wall, arms crossed.

"What do you want?"

"I…I wanted to apologize."

"Okay. Is that everything?"

You swallowed. "No…I wanted to talk to you."

"Well, _I_ don't want to talk to _you_."

You took a deep breath. "Josh, listen, I'm sorry. I don't want to beg for mercy, I just want to tell you, that it's not like it seems."

Josh snorted. "Really?" he asked sarcastically.

"Yes. I…I lied to you. I haven't cheated you, okay? I just…I just felt so worthless and I thought you'd be better off without me. I'm…I'm not okay. I don't know how to describe it, sometimes I think I should just kill myself. I didn't want to bother you with my…presence. I lied to you so I had a reason to leave you."

He shook his head. "That's just stupid. Why would you do that?"

"I-I don't know. I just paniced…Tyler told me, I'd hurt you."

Josh laughed unhappily. "Oh, suddenly, it's Tyler's fault? You now what? I don't think you're telling the truth. I think you're a liar. I think you lied to me the whole time." He shook his head. "You can go now."

"What? Josh, I _swear_ I'm telling the truth, just listen-"

"Enough! Go!" He was angry now, you saw him shaking with rage.

You gasped for breath. Was he really kicking you out? You teared up. Something squeezed your throat, you couldn't breath. You took a few steps backwards, but you stumbled and fell down. You tried to calm down, your breath was shaky, your vision got dark. You felt the floor under your cheeks, when you closed your eyes. You just wanted to die.


	19. Chapter 19

"Hey. Hey! Can you hear me?"

Somebody grabbed your shoulders and shook you gently. You groaned and opened you eyes.

"Thank goodness! Are you alright? Do you need an ambulance?"

Josh knelt beside you, he looked worried. You shook your head weakly.

"You sure?"

"Yes…" your throat was dry. Josh noticed it.

"Do you need water? Wait a second."

He disappeared and you sat up and leaned against the wall. Josh came back quickly, a glass water in his hands.

"Here."

You grabbed the glass and drank a gulp. Your hands shook, you spilled some of the water on your jeans. After a few other gulps, you handed the glass back to Josh.

"What happened?" Your voice was raspy. Josh hesitated.

"You… seemed to have kind of an anxiety attack, I guess. You couldn't breath and then you just collapsed and passed out. You scared me."

You buried your head in your hands. An anxiety attack. And Josh had seen it. You felt so ashamed. Your eyes filled with tears and you started crying.

"Hey, are you alright? Did you hurt yourself?"

"N-no. I'm f-fine." You said sobbing.

"Well, you seem very far from fine. What's wrong?"

"I-I don't know…" you cried. "I…I…"

Josh interrupted you gently. "Have you ever had something like this before?"

"What? An anxiety a-attack?"

"Yes."

You couldn't answer, you felt terrible, your lungs felt to small to breath, you gasped for air.

"I-I-"

"Shhh. Calm down. It's alright. I'm here." Josh said softly and hesitated, but then he hugged you and pattered your back. You cried into his shirt. After a few minutes of crying and sobbing, you calmed down.

"I'm sorry." You mumbled.

He wiped your tears away. "Don't be sorry. There's nothing wrong with having an anxiety attack."

"But…it's not the first time. I often have anxiety attacks. And nobody's there to calm me down. I-I always think I'll choke."

Josh smiled sadly. "You had me. I would've calmed you down. But you didn't say a word."

That made you cry again. "I-I'm so sorry, Josh. I'm so sorry. I swear, I haven't cheated you. But you're right. I lied. I lied the whole time."

He seemed hurt, but his voice was soft. "Why? Why have you lied about everything? I don't get it. You said you lied to me to have a reason to leave me. You said, you wouldn't love me. But why? You're here now. Why?"

You took a deep breath. "I've told many lies, but the biggest one was that I don't love you. I love you. I love you so much, my heart hurts when I think about you. You know, there's something seriously wrong with me."

Josh wanted to interrupt you, but you stopped him.

"Wait. You didn't let me finish earlier. Listen to me, and after it, you can kick me out. Just listen, okay?"

He nodded and you sighed in relief.

"People think I'm okay. But I'm not. Remember the night when I stayed over because I forgot my keys? I had an anxiety attack that night. I woke up and I was…blind. I couldn't move, I couldn't see, I just sat there the whole night, petrified. I know, maybe I should've wake you, but I didn't want you to know that I'm broken. I wanted to pretend like everything was fine. So I kept smiling. And then, when we visited Tyler and Jenna, Tyler talked with me about you. He really cares about you. He just asked me to be careful, to not to hurt you in any way. I promised I wouldn't. But I felt like I would. I was sure I'd destroy you one day. I felt so worthless, I still feel so worthless, I didn't want to bother you. I decided it was the best thing to leave you. I knew it'd tear me apart, but it was better for you. So I lied to you and told you I cheated you. I hoped you'd be more angry than sad. And yesterday, I met Jenna in the mall. She said I'd have to talk to you, she recognized how awful I felt. And I knew she was right. So, I'm here. I don't expect you to take me back, I just hoped you'd forgive me…"

Josh kept silent for a minute.

"That's…" he shook his head. "That was wrong. It was the dumbest thing you could do. I thought you knew that you always could talk to me. I would've supported you. I would've helped you as much as I can. I don't need you to be perfect. Everybody has their own demons. Ask me, or Tyler. Nobody's perfect, we're all broken in our own way. But I don't know if I can deal with it any longer. Let me think about it, okay? Give me some time."

You nodded. He kissed you on your cheek and helped you up.

"Be strong. I'll think about everything."

You smiled sadly. "Thank you." you whispered when you left his apartement. You didn't look back.

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many phone calls in this fic…  
> 10 000+ words! Yay!

You were watching TV when your phone rang. You sighed and stood up. You picked your phone up and walked back to the couch. After you muted the TV, you answered the call.

"Hi."

"Hey…" Josh answered. You hold your breath.

"Oh, hi, Josh. It's you."

He laughed uncomfortably. "Yeah, it's me."

You both were silent for a few minutes. You cried silently when you heard him breathing. You missed him so much, but you were to scared to ask him for his decision. Josh took a deep breath.

"Do you wanna…uh…hang out? Like…go to a restaurant or something like that?"

"As friends or as…lovers?"

"The latter probably."

"Yes! Yes, of course!" you smiled and cried at the same time. That was more than you expected.

"Alright. I'll pick you up at 7 pm, okay?"

"That's perfect." You hesitated, but then you whispered. "I love you."

Josh sighed. "I love you, too. It nearly killed me when you left me. You don't know what you did to me. Don't do that ever, ever again."

"I promise." You answered and you really meant it.

"'kay. See you later." He hung up. You walked to the bathroom to have a shower. When you looked into the mirrror, you saw the huge grin on your face. You know you wouldn't stop smiling the whole week.

………………………………………………………………

You opened the door before Josh could ring the bell. He laughed.

"I guess you want to go as soon as possible?"

You nodded and followed him to the car. He started the engine and started driving.

"Do you want to hear some music?" You shrugged and he scrolled through his playlist, always keeping an eye on the traffic.

"Oh, I always wanted to show you the Metallica song."

He clicked on a song and an agressive guitar beat filled the car.

_Don't tread on me I said, don't tread on me Liberty or death, what we so proudly hail Once you provoke her, rattling of her tail Never begins it, never, but once engaged Never surrenders, showing the fangs of rage I said don't tread on me_

Josh turned the volume down. "I'm sorry, I know it's not very romantic."

You smiled. "No, it's good."

He turned the volume up again and when the chorus started, he started handbanging playfully.

You laughed until you gasped for breath, it just looked so funny, because Josh hadn't long enough hair to headbang properly.

After the song finished, Josh catched your gaze and saw you smiling.

"What do you want to hear?"

"Well, I'd like to listen to some of your music."

"Okay." He shrugged and clicked on a twenty one pilots song.

You watched Josh driving. He had one hand on the steering wheel, with the other he softly hit against his knee with his fingers. He wore a button down shirt and looked gorgeous. You felt a heat on your cheeks and you blushed when you noticed how you stared at him. You tried to ignore your desire for the rest of the drive, but you found yourself more than one time adoring him.

After ten minutes, Josh arrived at a restaurant and parked the car. You unbuckled and got out of the car. Josh hold the door open for you, a smirk on his lips. You smiled and he followed you into the restaurant. You both sat down and ordered.

You didn't talk much and Josh neither. After you finished eating, Josh ordered some wine. You didn't like it and sipped only at your glass. He smiled when he saw that.

"You don't like it, do you?"

You shook your head. "I don't drink much."

"Same. I just thought you'd like it. You don't have to drink it." he said.

You smiled.

Josh lowered his voice. "I thought about everything you told me. The anxiety attacks, that you feel worthless,…"

You nodded awkwardly. "Yeah…it's true."

He sighed. "I just want…you need to know that I love you. And I'll help you, whenever you need help, okay? I know sometimes everything seems hopeless, but it is not. I'm here for you. And I'm sure, Tyler is, too. You don't need to be perfect. Nobody's perfect, and I don't expect you to. I love you. Always remember that."

You smiled with tears in your eyes. "I will."

He placed his hand on yours. "Promise that you'll always tell me if you feel worthless again."

You swallowed. That was hard. But you were sure, he'd support you. He'd understand.

"I…I promise."

He squeezed your hand slightly. You knew, you'd always trust him.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short because I didn't know what to write. I already worked on the following chapters so I think I'll update soon.

It was Christmas. It didn't snow and it was less colder than the last few days.

Josh asked you to go to church with him and you agreed. Now you sat beside him on the pew and listened to the pastor. Next to you sat Mr. And Mrs. Dun and Josh's siblings. They had invited you to celebrate Christmas with them and you were glad about it. You didn't have anyone to celebrate with.

Tyler, his family and Jenna were in the pew before you.

Everybody started to sing a song about the birth of Jesus Christ. Many voices filled the church with singing. You didn't sing along, you just listened to the voices with closed eyes. You heard Tyler's angelic and Josh's deep voice next to you. You got excited when you thought about the present you had bought for Josh. You were sure he'd love it.

The song finished and everybody stood up. The pastor blessed the church and you left the church with the Duns.

The celebration at home was wonderful. Everybody was so nice and the food Mrs. Dun had cooked was delicious. After everybody got their presentes, you stood up to get your present for Josh. You picked the wooden basket up and carried it to the living room.

"Merry Christmas, Josh." You smiled and handed the basket to him. He took it carefully and flinched when something moved inside it. He opened the top of the basket and a small kitten jumped out. Josh catched it before it fell on the floor, but the kitten clawed his hands. He let it go and the kitten fled under the couch.

Josh knelt down and looked under the couch. He only saw two big eyes shining. He looked up.

"It's a kitten. You bought me a kitten." He laughed disbelieving.

You felt uneasy. "I…I thought you like kittens, so…"

He laughed. "That's perfect. I just want to see it."

"I guess, the kitten is scared." Mrs. Dun said. "Maybe we can elicit it."

After a few attempts, the kitten appeared and Josh picked it up and pattered it. It was a young tabby kitten.

"It's a tom cat." You said with a smile.

Josh petted the kitten and it closed its eyes and purred. "Well, it's a little tiger. Look at his taddy coat and the scratches on my hand."

He looked at the small cat in his hands. "I think Tiger is a good name." The kitten yawned and showed her teeth. Josh grinned. He petted the kitten until it fell asleep in his hands. Carefully, he laid the kitten down on a blanket. His eyes beamed with joy.

You smiled happily. He turned and hugged you.

"Thank you so much." he whispered. "Merry Christmas, darling."

You kissed him and the kiss sent chills through your entire body.

"Merry Christmas."

 


	22. Chapter 22

The europhia you had on Christmas was gone. You felt down. Your emotions were like a rollercoaster, up and down all the time. Your mood changed fast and you coudn't stop it. Normally, your mood changed to sadness and depression, but sometimes, you didn't get sad. You got angry. The last few days, you felt how you got more and more angry and you didn't know why. Everything and everybody was annoying. You didn't want to talk to anybody, you just wanted everybody to leave you alone. You did everything hide it, but today you just couldn't act anymore.

You sat at the table in Josh's apartement with a cup of coffee. He made himself some breakfast, while you said you weren't hungry. He clanged with the pans and you rubbed your temple softly. Every noise intensified your headache. You sighed.

"Could you…could you please stop with the noise?"

He froze. "Yeah…sure." He furrowed his brows.

You sighed again when a plate slipped through his hands and fell on the floor. Josh picked the plate up quickly.

"What's wrong?"

"I just have a headache."

"Really? Nothing else?" he sounded sceptical.

You stared at your coffee and kept silent. You didn't want to talk about all the nightmares and anxiety attacks. They got worse after you got along with Josh again and you felt awful. It wasn't his fault, you knew that, but a part of you was angry. You had hoped the fear would disappear or Josh's presence would help you to handle with it, but nothing worked. The first few times, you woke Josh when you had the nightmares, but after a few days, you noticed how tired he was. He stayed up all night and held you and rubbed your back softly to calm you down when you sobbed and gasped for breath. He mumbled sweet words in your ears when you tried to fall asleep in his arms, but it didn't work. He was tired and had black circles under his eyes and you knew he needed some sleep, altough he didn't complain. So you kept quiet and cried silently and listened to his breath. You told him you had less nightmares and that you felt better. But you didn't. You were broken, you knew that and you were disappointed when you realized, Josh couldn't heal you. The miracle didn't happen. You didn't tell the truth when he asked you about your feelings and a small and annoying voice in your head told you to stop, but you couldn't. You trusted Josh with all your heart, but you couldn't talk about it.

"C'mon, talk to me. It's the nightmares, isn't it?"

You sighed. "I don't wanna talk 'bout it."

He crossed his arms. "You lied again. I know it. You're not better."

You shrugged. "It's okay."

"No, it is not." His voice was sharp. "You promised to tell me, if you don't feel good."

You got angry. You were tired and exhausted and you didn't want to think about the nightmares again. "Yeah, I now, but I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

"You're not bothering me." he said softly. You couldn't take his concern at the moment. You knew he just wanted to help, but you didn't want any help. Nobody could help you.

"It's not about you, Josh. It's about me. I don't care if _you_ want to talk about it, _I_ don't. So stop being so fucking caring." you snapped.

He raised his voice. He was angry now, too. You've never heard him yelling like this before.

"I just want to help you! But you're so…ignorant, you just don't want to talk to me!"

You stood up. "I don't need your help, get it? I don't need and I don't want! your! help!" you yelled back.

Josh breathed out heavily. "I just care about you! I don't know what to do anymore! I'm desperated!"

You grabbed the cup of coffee and smashed it on the floor. You were so angry now and you didn't know what to do with your rage.

Brown liquid splashed through the kitchen and left stains at the white wall.

"You think I'm not desperated!?" you stood up and walked to Josh and stared him in the eyes. "You think I'm happy with having fucking depression and shit? You don't know what it's like! You have NO idea what I'm going through! You just think you can hug me and tell me you love me and everything's fine? Do you like being the one who cares? The one who can help me? Do you like seeing me broken? You know what, I give a DAMN about you!"

You came closer with every word. You saw your words hurting Josh like acid.

"You make me sick." you whispered with a dangerous low voice. "You know why? I had a few anxiety attacks and a few nightmares before I met you. But since the, they got worse. When we sleep in the same bed, I have nightmares. Every. Single. Time. You make everything worse."

Josh's eyes widened.

"Maybe it's because of you. You're the reason why I can't sleep." you said slowly.

"No!" Josh pushed you angrily. You fell, your head hit the floor painfully and your fingers started bleeding when they touched the sherds of the broken cup. You sat up slowly, the blood mingled with the cold coffee. You stared at Josh and the first time, you were afraid of him. Josh looked shocked.

"I…I don't-I'm sorry-" he stuttered.

You pushed his hand away and stood up. Your hands were shaking and you stared at the cuts on your hands. He had hurt you. Your body started shaking uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry, I didn't-" he wanted to hug you but you flinched.

"You pushed me. I can't believe it. I'm bleeding, because of you!" you whispered shocked.

He wanted to apologize but you shook your head and flinched until you hit against the wall.

"Shut up!"

He seemed hurt. "Listen, I'm sorry, I didn't…" He walked to you and grabbed your hands. "Let me see. I'll get some bandages."

You tried to withdraw your hands.

"Don't…don't touch me."

He didn't let go. His grip was like iron around your wrists. You gasped for breath.

"S-stop it!"

"Hey, calm down!"

You couldn't breath. You hyperventilated. "Let…go!"

"Just…try to calm down! You need to breath!" he said in panic.

You pulled at his grip and tripped backwards when he freed your hands. You turned and slammed the front door behind you.

It was raining outside but you ignored it and ran along the street. A few drivers honked when you crossed the street, but you didn't care if you'd get hit by a car. You just wanted to run and never stop.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a super super short chapter, but I wanted 24 chapters (idk why)

Josh's POV

_Shit. That shouldn't have happened. I haven't done this on purpose, I swear._

_It's just…I'm desperated. I don't know what to do. I try everything, I'm nice, I'm emapthetic, I'm sympathetic, but nothing works. I talk and I keep silent, but nothing seems the right thing to do._

_I need to fix this. I'm scared of what can happen, if I don't. But I don't know where to start. I guess, I have to call Tyler, he'll help me. Help us. He'll know what to do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter is already uploaded :)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! I hope, I've got the times right :/

The Olentangy River was dark, it looked almost black. Cars were driving by, but all you saw was the enticing stream below. The stage was high because of the rain. You've been running until your lungs felt painful. After that, you have walked slowly. The blood on your hands clotted fast, the cuts felt worse than they actually were. You have stopped on a bridge next to a busy street. You looked over the water and you didn't notice how dark it already was. You took a deep breath.

You ran your hand through your hair. Everything seemed so surreal. You knew, jumping would be easy. Just fall down…but you couldn't even bring yourself to climb over the railing. You laughed sardonically when you realized you were even to afraid to die.

You shivered, your hair was wet and your fingers felt numb. You wanted to warm up your hands in your pockets when your fingers touched your phone. You grabbed it and unlocked the screen. You had countless messages and missed calls, all from Josh, Tyler and Jenna. You scrolled through the messages.

_Josh:_

_11:22 am: I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you! Please, call me!_

_11:56 am: Call me. Please_

_1:02 pm: Where are u?_

_1:45 pm: We need to talk. I'm so sorry_

_3:17 pm: I want to apologize, please, call me_

_4:22 pm: please talk to me! Where are u?_

_4:34 pm: please don't do anything stupid! I love you!_

_4:56 pm: I'm worried, call me immediatly!_

_5:28 pm: That's it. I'll look for you._

_Tyler:_

_4:45 pm: Hey, Josh told me you had an argument. He is worried about you. Please call him._

_4:59 pm: You don't have to talk to him, just tell him you're okay. Or you can tell me if you don't want to talk to him?_

_5:17 pm: He's very upset, he just wants to apologize. He told me about your depression, he's afraid you could hurt yourself. Please answer me._

_5:21 pm: You know you can talk to me, if you want to. About anything. Please, just don't try to hurt yourself._

_5:34 pm: Josh is looking for you. Please answer him. He's sick with worry._

_Jenna:_

_4:49 pm: Hey, sweetheart, is everything alright? I heard you had an argument with Josh. He's so sorry and he just wants to apologize. Please answer him, we're all worried about you._

_4:54 pm: I'm sure, everything will be alright. Just call him, okay?_

You smiled when you read the messages. There where people who cared about you, people who loved you.

You knew, you had overreacted. It was just an argument, nothing serious. It would be forgotten in a few days. Suddenly, your reaction to the incident felt so ridiculous.

You stared at the river and couldn't believe that you really had considered to jump. You knew it wouldn't be a solution. Not in this case.

You typed a message to Josh. You got a response immediately.

 

Hey, Josh

_omg, are you alright???_

yes, I'm fine

_I was so worried about you! I'm so so sorry_

I'm sorry, too. I've overreacted

_where are you?_

on a bridge, I dunno what it's called

 

You described the area as good as you could.

 

_I know what bridge it is. Stay there, I'll pick you up. Don't jump_

You smiled sadly and typed back.

 

I won't

_I'll be there in a few minutes_

You looked at the river. Suddenly, the water looked terrifying. You took a few steps backwards when you heard somebody call your name. You turned. Josh was standing a few meters away, he looked relieved and sad at the same time. You walked slowly to him. He hugged you and held you tight.

You started crying. He rubbed your back.

"Sssh. Everything's alright."

You leaned your head against his chest and sobbed. "I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't want to a-argue. I just…"

He hushed you with a kiss. You kissed back and you knew, you were save as long as Josh was with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for reading and all the kudos and lovely and encouraging comments! It helped me a lot! Writing this fic was so much fun, altough it's way longer than I expected. But now I'm so excited to write my new fic (I've already written half of it ^^) and I have so many ideas, so… Thanks for your support, frens! 


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